Happy? Anniversay.

D.R.E.A.M.

T.E. Saturday Night

Trying.

You know, I am trying to move on through. You had it easy. You quietly made the decision to leave AFTER you got a new boyfriend. Leaving me to deal with the house, dogs, the emptiness and loneliness of being without you, the self doubt and low self worth issues when I want to try to move on. The foolhardy hope that this may be some sort of mid-life thing. It's hard, even after all this time. I wish I could stop loving you. I wish I could hate you. I wish I could just go on. I wish...

Just Sometimes

Going home just isn't what it used to be. I know that I have said that before but even still it holds true. I read online something about not just having someone to be with but when quitting time was upon you that you were actually excited to be going home to that person. That IS how it always was for me. Unfortunately my body still feel that even though you have been gone for eight long months. I still get anxiety when it is close to quitting time, when I come to the last turn before the house. I wish I didn't because now it is mixed with dread. Sure, I've had other people there since, but it wasn't you. You're still the one I love.... unfortunately. You are still gung-ho and hell bent on running away from your life. I wish I knew why. All I have from you still is "I am not in love with you anymore". Sure, that can happen but I'd buy it more if Jason wasn't in the picture from BEFORE the beginning of all this. I can understand the boredom and wanting more but you went about it the wrong way. Anyway at some point when you are too old for him you will understand the way I feel, being left behind and all. I feel bad for anyone who has to feel this way. Even you. I still love you. I don't want to go home... (It's not home without you.)

3 Steps Forward. 2 Steps Back.

We had our mediation yesterday. For the first time I wasn't looking forward to seeing Kristen. Not because I don't want to see her but because this is really close to the end (at least legally) to our marriage. That makes me immensely sad. It really breaks my heart to see the vacation that you seem to be taking from yourself. Sure, I get the moving on part but yu don't seem to be dealing with anything. Just ignoring your "former life". You know that not dealing with things will ome back to you at some point. I really hope you're gonna be ok. What really blew me away was that you actually think that sending one of the dogs to a shelter. No kill or not, that's not the Kristen I know. I remember how appalled you were how someone could just abandon a dog just because of their living situation. That's how you were when we got Shadow. I can't believe that you even entertain the thought. It made me really sad, angry and disappointed. I hope you come back to you soon. You were a pretty damn good person. I still love you. (It sucks.)

A Time To Turn

Well, tomorrow is our mediation. It may be the first. It may be the only. Who knows? I am going to come to hear what you/your lawyer has to say. I really don't want to see you for the first time. Other times I have just been apprehensive. This time, not so much. I guess I still do want to see you but obviously not under these circumstances. Oh well. You can't always get what you want. I just wish here was a way for you to love me again. If I can't even see you I can't help ignite the spark. Damn.